


A Very Shepard Valentine's

by ElvenSister



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor, Mild Smut, Tongue-in-cheek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 09:56:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6001693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElvenSister/pseuds/ElvenSister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Conrad Verner decides to do his thing on Valentine's, which leaves Garrus - no, everyone - confused. As the day continues, Shepard becomes reinforced in her belief that Valentine's might be stupid, but her turian is awesome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Shepard Valentine's

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StealthSister](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StealthSister/gifts).



> One of the characters is from a Multiplayer banner. 
> 
> Some of this has been inspired by late-night Skype conversations, while playing Multiplayer with StealthSister.

Conrad Verner was pacing around his apartment. Every once in a while he stopped to glance at the wall of holos, smiled at one of them, shook his head, and continued. He had been doing this quite some time, but a solution to his problem had not presented itself.

Conrad was in love with Commander Shepard. He knew the exact time he had been in love with her with the precision of a minute. It was a long time. During all that time, he hadn’t been able to tell her once, how he felt about her. And now she was, as always, out there, saving the galaxy from certain doom. Even though, to Conrad, the doom was in no way certain, because Commander Shepard was there, preventing it.

However, the recent events had made even Conrad think that he should probably start on his bucket list, just to be safe. He wasn’t sure if you could call it a list when there was only one item on it – telling Commander Shepard, Jane, how he felt about her.

Conrad stopped his pacing and fell down on his couch in front of the wall that was dedicated to Shepard. He was glancing at the pictures when a particular one caught his eye. It was attached to the wall with a pin that had a red heart on it. The red heart… Wasn’t tomorrow…? Conrad activated his omnitool and checked the date. He had been right. He did a quick extranet search to find out Shepard’s location. The records said that she was due in the Citadel the next day. 

A radiant smile spread on Conrad’s face. This was the opportunity he had been waiting for. This was his shot to get the thing he wanted the most. There wasn’t much time for planning and arrangements but he could pull it off, just like Shepard. If she could always save the day, he could certainly do this for her. He began typing furiously to get everything ready.

\--

“What else do we need, Shepard?”

Shepard activated her omnitool and pulled out the agonizingly long shopping list.

“Well, Garrus,” she said, “It seems that we still need… Pretty much everything.”

“Can we afford everything now that we can’t use Cerberus’s endless credits? Say what you want about Cerberus but they weren’t cheap. That’s one thing for which I’ll always be thankful for them, regardless of what they do,” Garrus said and gave Shepard a gentle smile that melted her heart.

She agreed with him. If Cerberus hadn’t poured all that money into Project Lazarus, she wouldn’t be here. She wouldn’t have been able to defeat the Collectors or do anything she had done after that. Neither would she ever have found out that Garrus returned her feelings. Despite all the shit that had happened since her resurrection, her turian made it all worthwhile. 

“If we weren’t in public, a comment like that would earn you a very thorough thank you,” Shepard said.

Garrus laughed that seductive, deep laugh of his. Shepard gulped. Was it getting hot in here, or was it just her?

“I guess you’ll just have to thank me later,” he rumbled.

“You can bet on it. But to get back to the matter at hand: I believe that the Council will pay for all this stuff. The destruction of the galaxy on their watch would look too ugly on their resumes, I guess. But they are going to want receipts for everything,” Shepard said, sounding put-upon, “I hate paperwork from the bottom of my heart.”

“I know what you mean,” he said, “You’d think that even bureaucrats could see that there are more important matters to deal with than their precious ordinances. But no, they have to have their illusion of everything going by the book.”

“I think everything is going by the book,” she said, “That book just is of a different persuasion than the one they are trying to read. The world is full of books in which everything goes to hell.”

“At least we’re going there together,” Garrus said, “I promised to have your six, remember?”

“I’ll never forget,” she said, “Too bad for you that, this time, ‘hell’ means shopping.”

“You don’t think that hell has shopping?”

“I don’t know about shopping, but I’m sure that paperwork is included.”

They were walking towards the next shopping area. Suddenly, there was a puff of smoke, like the ones Cerberus centurions use to disappear. Shepard and Garrus pulled their guns instantly and took cover. They couldn’t shoot because they might hurt innocent civilians, if they did.

When the smoke cleared, two figures were revealed. They were most certainly not Cerberus, unless the organization had acquired a new, differently insane, leader. Shepard was sure that her mouth was hanging open. She looked at Garrus and he looked just as stumped. They had both seen a lot of things, but this was the first time either of them encountered a volus in pink and an elcor in a tutu. It was pink, too. Shepard had no words.

“Greetings, Earth clan,” the volus said, his breather wheezing, “On this special day (wheeze) the gods have looked (wheeze) favorably on you.”

“Pardon?”

“A secret lover (wheeze) wishes to be known to (wheeze) you, Earth clan,” the volus said.

Shepard looked at the tutu-wearing elcor in horror.

“Let your heart be (wheeze) pierced by the arrow (wheeze) of love,” the volus said and waved something in his hands. Shepard noticed that it was a tiny bow. The arrow had a heart on the end.

“What’s going on?” Garrus asked and turned to Shepard, “Are you getting any of this?”

“A secret lover (wheeze) wants to declare his (wheeze) love for the Earth clan, Palaven clan,” the volus said.

“Ardently: love is beautiful,” the elcor rumbled slowly.

“Alright,” Shepard said, “Why has this secret admirer chosen to declare his love… This way?”

“The Earth clan thought (wheeze) that it would be (wheeze) more traditional to (wheeze) hear it from your (wheeze) gods,” the volus said.

“Excuse me?” Shepard asked, “How are you supposed to be ‘my gods’?”

“I am Aroma, (wheeze) the god of love,” the volus said.

“You mean Amor,” Shepard said, trying very hard not to laugh her ass off, and turned to the elcor, “And who are you supposed to be?”

“Indignantly: Aphrodite,” the elcor said.

“Are those really your gods?” Garrus asked.

“No, they’re mythical figures from ancient times. I doubt even the people, who wrote about them, took them seriously,” Shepard said, “They sort of enjoyed telling stories about gods that got into more ridiculous trouble than people.”

“Why are they here, then?”

A new figure rushed from hiding. Shepard acted on instinct. She pulled her gun out, rolled the volus aside, took the new person down, and pointed her gun at his head. It wasn’t until all that had happened that she realized who it was.

“Conrad,” she said with a tired voice. She shouldn’t be surprised. She let the poor sop go, got up, and holstered her gun.

“You pushed me,” the volus said and wheezed, “My wings. (wheeze) They must have broken.”

“Technically, I rolled you,” Shepard said, “But I am sorry. Here, let me help you.”

“Sourly: is that any way to treat your god?” the elcor asked.

“You are not my gods, for crying out loud!” Shepard said and turned to look at Conrad, “I’m getting the distinct feeling that this is your doing, Conrad.”

The man looked awkward, which was new. Usually he just made others look awkward.

“Yes.”

“Why all this?” Shepard asked and motioned towards the pink team, “Why do you have a pink volus wielding a bow and an elcor wearing a freaking pink tutu?”

“Defensively: it is very becoming,” the elcor said.

“I like the bow,” the volus said and wheezed, “It is the weapon (wheeze) of heroes.”

“It’s pink,” Shepard said and shook her head.

“I just… Wanted to…” Conrad said.

Shepard watched the expressions change on his face. It took him a while to gather his determination. When he did, he fell down on bended knee and pulled a battered box of chocolates from his coat pocket. The box was pink.

“I love you, Jane Shepard,” he said, “Will you be my Valentine?”

Garrus let out a distinctive growl. Shepard knew that she had to diffuse the situation fast before Conrad had a territorial turian bearing down on him.

“I appreciate the offer, Conrad, but I am taken,” she said firmly, “You were sweet to go through… All this trouble, but you should have done that for someone else. You still could, you know. Valentine’s isn’t over yet.”

Shepard looked around and spotted, to her delight, Kelly.

“See that pretty lady over there, Conrad?” she asked and pointed at Chambers, “She’s one of my crew and not seeing anyone. I’m sure that if you and your… Gods went over there and repeated this, you would be less likely to get a gun to your head.”

“Really?” Conrad asked. He sounded hopeful. 

Shepard thought that it spoke volumes about Conrad that he was hopeful of the prospect of not having a gun to his head after confessing his love.

“Really,” Shepard said, “Go for it, man! Valentine’s is only once a year.”

“Then, I’ll do it,” Conrad said with determination and got up, “Thank you, Shepard.”

“My pleasure.”

She looked as the three walked towards Kelly. Even the elcor had a pair of tiny wings. It was priceless. When they were far enough, she finally let out the laugh that had been bubbling inside her chest. After she was done laughing, she looked at Garrus. He didn’t share her mirth. It looked like he was still riled up because of Conrad’s confession.

“Are you alright?” Shepard asked, “That was just a stupid Valentine’s Day thing. And Conrad being Conrad. You know he’s harmless.”

“What’s Valentine’s Day and how does it give leave for idiocy?” Garrus asked sternly.

“It’s a stupid human tradition,” she replied while they continued shopping, “Once a year there’s a day dedicated for love and lovers. On Valentine’s, it’s traditionally okay to declare your love to your secret crush. Couples give each other gifts and tell that they love and appreciate each other.”

“Only one day a year?”

“Like I said, stupid.”

Garrus nodded silently.

The shopping was a quiet affair after that. Garrus wasn’t his usual self and wouldn’t be tempted into verbal sparring with Shepard, no matter how hard she tried. He seemed to be on the lookout for something. Every male clerk that smiled brightly at her or a C-Sec officer, who made her laugh, was very carefully watched. Maybe he was expecting more pink apparitions and declarations of love, but, luckily, none came.

They needed to buy a few things from one of the shadier neighborhoods of the Citadel. Because it was them, they were attacked by random thugs for no reason. As unlikely as it seemed, there were still people, who didn’t recognize them.

They were huddled behind a cover and shooting at the thugs every now and again, when Garrus came closer to Shepard. He caressed her face with his free hand.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” she replied, smiling at him.

“You are so beautiful, Jane Shepard,” he said and kissed her.

Shepard was stunned but kissed him back. After a while, everything else was forgotten but the gorgeous turian kissing her. Damn that guy, he was excellent at anything he put his mind into. And he really had put his mind into kissing. His tongue moved in her mouth in a way that made her moan.

“Hello,” a voice called out, “Are we having a fight or what?”

“Shut the fuck up and leave us alone,” Shepard yelled back, “I’m going to kill you, if you interrupt us again.”

They went back to kissing.

“Ain’t that what you were trying to do in the first place?”

Garrus laughed at Shepard’s annoyed expression.

“How about you guys do the noble thing and walk to us in single file so that we can grab you over this fence and shove a blade through your midsection? Wouldn’t that be fun?” she yelled.

“No way,” the voice replied, “We’re not freaking geth!”

“Worth a try,” Shepard said to Garrus, “How about we kill them and take this to the Normandy?”

“Deal,” he said and looked at her, his blue eyes burning, “And make it quick, Shepard.”

\--

It was an effort for Shepard to walk through the Normandy without plastering herself allover Garrus. She could tell from his subvocal hum that he was just as turned on as she was, maybe even more. She’d bet anything that he was sporting wood under his armor.

After they’d made it into the elevator and the door had closed, Shepard was finally able to jump him and devour him with her lips. The small space was filled with their hungry moans and groans. When the door opened, Garrus carried her into the cabin.

“Get that armor off,” Garrus told her hoarsely and put her down.

They both stripped. Discarded pieces of armor ended all around the space, but neither of them cared. As soon as they were naked, they embraced each other again and resumed their hungry kiss.

Garrus yanked Shepard off the floor and carried her to the bed. He put her down on the bedspread and followed close behind, covering her body with his. His hand dipped between her legs to examine her state of arousal. He made a satisfied growl when he felt the wetness that was waiting for him.

“I’m ready for you, big guy,” she said.

“Good, because I can’t wait anymore,” he said and entered her.

They began moving together. The quickness of the pace spoke of the frustration and jealousy Garrus had felt during the day. He was much more vocal than usual, which was saying a lot. He wasn’t a quiet lover even when he wasn’t particularly wound up.

Not that she minded – on the contrary. She loved it when he went all wild on her. It fed her female ego that she could drive her turian that crazy. She loved it that the blue fire in his eyes was burning because of her.

The moans only increased when friction was building up. Garrus sped up his speed and thrust even harder. She was already at the brink when he changed their position slightly by repositioning her leg. That did it to her. She came forcefully with a scream which brought him to the edge of his completion. He bit her shoulder, pushed once more, and came. His scent filled the room.

They stayed like that for a while, catching their breaths. Then he rolled off her to lie on his side and pulled her closer to him.

“Shepard, I’ve been thinking,” he said after some time.

She looked him in the eye.

“Oh? Something specific?”

“About Valentine’s Day.”

This should be interesting, Shepard thought.

“I agree with your assessment, as I often do,” he said, “Valentine’s Day is stupid.”

“Told you,” she said, “Just out of curiosity, though – why do you think it stupid?”

“Because,” he said, “I love you every day of the year, Shepard. Not just on Valentine’s.”

A tear was forcing its way out of the corner of her eye.

“You really are the smoothest turian son of a bitch in the galaxy, Vakarian,” she said, “And I love you, too. Every damn day of the year until the day I die.”

“Right back at you, Shepard.”

**Author's Note:**

> The volus with the bow is from a Multiplayer banner. I don't remember, which banner that is, but I remember the volus. They're kind of hard to forget.


End file.
